Time Advances, Punishments Accrue

It’s been more than a month.

–––

The pain is still real, but life seems to be plodding along. When I think back, or forward, little has changed. But the now is a little easier to live in.

–––

The less said about the Astros, the better….

–––

Two of the days I missed were classified as unexcused absences. I knew one would be, but the second merely blended in with all the days I missed. Then, halfway thru the meeting with my boss, I remembered why I’d missed that day.

They can’t have known that the day I missed was my father’s birthday, and that night was so bad, so low, so painful, that if I could have killed myself I would have. That it was the lowest I’ve ever been - so low that just returning to it in my mind brought extreme pain. They couldn’t have known this. But they also didn’t ask; they summarily determined my missing of work to have been so frivolous that I should be given a formal warning for it.

A moment of realization in the meeting brought it all back, in a quick but moist stream of pain so strong I asked (or he asked and I accepted) to end the meeting. Adding a punishment to that day, retroactively making it even worse than it had been at the time, was an almost delicious insult.

They couldn’t’ve known. But they could’ve asked.

–––

I’ve stopped counting the days, but it’s over a month (it’s Halloween) and I dunno how to process that. I still cannot process that.

終