New Moon Tonight, Extra Dark

It’s been 6 days.

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I dunno what to say about today. I managed to do a couple productive things, and I ate a little food.

Curious to see how much weight I’ve lost, I walked to an electronics store about 30 minutes away and bought a scale. This week alone, I’ve lost around 4 kgs, I think. Nearly 9 lbs. In 6 days.

As I said, it’s a horrible diet, but it sure does work.

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I’ve needed a scale for a while, so it wasn’t a big deal to actually go buy one. And I really was curious to see my weight. But today marked another small milestone that I’m not sure I’m comfortable investigating. I added a couple tasks to the to-do list app Things. That gesture points toward the future. And that… that hurts to think about.

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A feeling I’ve had my entire life is more prominent now: the idea that not many people would miss me if I were gone. For the first time, I am so deeply alone that that number is, at best, down to the low single digits. At some point, the awfulness I feel will be overwhelming; it’s very nearly here. Then, I dunno what happens.

I’m scared of death, never been suicidal, but I’m not sure that the future holds much in the way of promise – aside from the promise of yet more pain (and more disappointment). And that’s what I have right now: I can only feel pain – just pure, abject, unmitigated pain. I’ve never suffered well. I am not up to this.

Snoopy, I think, once advised not to “contemplate the universe in the middle of the night.” Nights are harder than days, and the next day the sun will rise again and all will seem a little less bad. I know this intellectually. I know the pain will fade, a new kind of balance will be achieved, life will continue. But the sheer devastation I feel, the lack of hope I have about the future…. At some point, the accounting needs to be completed in a frank and honest way. I just don’t know what it will amount to for me. I suspect it won’t be good.

I’ve never been optimistic and I don’t naturally have much hope. Now, tho, there is absolutely none of either. Life feels increasingly dark and there’s no moon tonight.

Again, I’m sitting here alone in this god damned Starbucks trying not to cry again or cry in public (again).

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I still haven’t had a meal since he died. I’ve eaten things each day, but not much. Mostly I’ve just been mainlining caffeinated drinks for energy, for distraction. Today I did eat some things – unhealthy, mainly for their calories. Because food, I dunno – it just doesn’t sound good at all.

I’m still not sleeping much, and the sleep I do get doesn’t offer much relief. I slept last night around 7 am again. Woke up about 11:30 and couldn’t go back to sleep because laying there trying to fall asleep is really hard to do. The thinking starts, and the pain returns, and I get restless. So I shower, and take a walk.

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This Starbucks closes in about 40 minutes. I’ll finish this post, take the last sip of my (terrible) iced latte, and head out into another long, middle-of-the-night walk toward home. Hopefully, it’ll wear me out. Hopefully, I can sleep.

It’s been 6 days.

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