Hangers – and that's about all

It’s day 9. Today was an odd day.

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They’re all odd.

I started the day feeling about the same as yesterday – empty, depressed, tears just below the surface. After about 5, maybe 5.5, hours of sleep, I woke up so deeply tired that I was effectively still sleeping. But once I’m up, I’m up. There’s not really a choice. The sadness is at the door and I’ve gotta prepare for visitors.

I responded to a couple messages, looked at a couple things online, had a fleeting but barbed thought, nearly started to cry. Fuck this, I gotta get up. I got up.

I didn’t know what to do after showering, so I settled on what I always do: head to a Starbucks with my MacBook to do some work. But I remembered that I’ve needed to buy hangers for way longer than anyone should need to buy hangers. So I walked to a hardware/home supply store about 5km away and did that instead. I also got diarrhea – inexplicably because I ate almost nothing yesterday. But it was hotter than expected today. I don’t handle heat or slight dehydration well at all. Maybe that caused it.

Actually, I don’t handle almost anything well. Maybe I’ll put that on my tombstone: Here lies [me]. Dude could not keep his shit together.

(Literally.)

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I walked there while talking to my sister on the phone and walked faster than I would’ve liked because it was so warm. Walking home more leisurely (read: slowly because I don’t have it in me anymore to walk with any speed), I grabbed a donut, because I started to feel lightheaded. It seemed like a good way to get some energy into my system quickly. But it was like donuts are for me recently – donuty, and not much more. I probably had to eat something; I should’ve chosen anything else.

As I got closer to home, I decided some light, but more substantial, foods might be necessary. Strangely, yesterday, I gained .1kg. I have no idea how that’s possible, but it happened. Perhaps having something (rice and… whatever else I ate) will reset whichever survival mechanism has kicked in. Tomorrow, I’ll return to spartan, ascetic eating. It’ll probably feel better.

Gotta say – eating was not fun. I didn’t care that it was happening, but it did feel like it was something I needed to do. I hope the weight loss continues. It’s the only part of waking up I’ve been at all happy about….

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Life has settled into a just-above-crying state of depression, filled with numbness. I don’t get much enjoyment out of things. I listen to podcasts again, but mostly just for the voices to fill the silence, the sadness, and to pass the time. I tried to draw for the first time today, and it did nothing at all for me.

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Thinking about the future is still a third rail. I just did it. It hurt. I gotta not do that.

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I did manage one other productive chore today: I called my work and extended my absence until next Monday. I’ll call, tomorrow, and cancel work at another place (for Sunday). If I had more savings I’d cancel the next few weeks and just live for a while. Recover. Try to find my footing. But I don’t, so I’ll go back to work and try to seem like a human for a few hours everyday. And somehow live anyway.

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The playoffs have started. Playoff-baseball is my favorite baseball. But I don’t have a desire for entertainment. Maybe someday. But not yet. Not this day.

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Saturday, I have to go to a party for a friend who’s about to return to Australia. I’m already sad. It’ll be sad. I’ll have to pretend to be happy to see other people. Pretend to be engaged. It’s gonna be hard. But I guess that’s why we call them parties.

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For a little while today, I had a song my dad loved stuck in my head. It was torturous each time it came around. Proofreading this, just now, I thought of another.

God dammit.

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